What to avoid in 2017 (possibly)

Look, going to the cinema is great.  You should go to the cinema and put money back into the film industry.  Saying that, there are films coming out this year that do not look good and may be a waste of your money.  To help you navigate these/steer clear, I’ve put together a list of some of the potential stinkers.  They might ultimately be great, but just advise some caution before booking your tickets.

Alien: Covenant

I’m nearly done with the Alien franchise to be quite honest.  The last good film was Alien 3 (come at me, bro) and although I enjoyed Prometheus at the time, it unraveled really badly on a second viewing.  So, I shouldn’t be getting excited about Alien: Covenant.  The trailer wasn’t even particularly good – it seemed like it was just hitting nostalgia buttons – but I live in hope that one day we’ll get another decent film involving xenomorphs.

xxx-3-return-of-xander-cage-character-poster-1

XXX: Return of Xander Cage

Remember Xander Cage?  Come on, you know? The bald guy that drove some vehicles and did stunts back in 2002?  No, not Dominic Toretto, the other one!

Yes, that’s right, 2017 marks the return of the Vin Diesel character no one remembers or cares about.  This’ll be a met by a collective shrug of the shoulders when it’s released later this month.

The Emoji Movie

Remember when The Lego Movie was announced and we all scoffed?  As it turned out, it was funny, smart and had Will Arnett as Lego Batman.  So maybe we should give The Emoji Movie the benefit of the doubt?   Hmm.  There’s no Lord or Miller behind the script this time and the voice cast includes James Corden (he’s the High Five emoji), so forgive me if I don’t get too excited.

Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man Tell No Tales

The fifth in an increasingly terrible series, Pirates sees the return of Johnny Depp’s Keith Richards impression and everyone else who’s ever been in one of these films.  It also includes Javier Bardem as some sort of pirate who has a beef with Johnny Depp and his treatment of women, or something.  It will be 5 hours long.

The Mummy

The first Mummy, with Brendan Rodgers Fraser, was an enjoyable 90’s romp.  The rest were garbage and the series’ defining image was the terrible CGI effect which transposed The Rock’s head onto the body of a scorpion.  ‘Thankfully’, Universal have resurrected the series as the first in a Monsters Cinematic Universe (urgh).  It stars Tom Cruise, which means this will be low on laughs and high on impressive stunts, but time will tell if it’ll make the story interesting enough to justify a series.

Transformers: The Last Knight

Have you seen this trailer?  It is bonkers and not in a good way.  King Arthur, World War 2, the Nazis, Mark Whalberg and flying robot dragons all feature and it does not make a lick of sense.  In a series that struggles for coherence at the best of times, this feels like chucking a lot of shit at a wall and hoping it looks like a painting.  What you can be sure of from Michael Bay’s latest is borderline offensive ethnic characters, tin-eared comedy and leering shots of women in skimpy clothing.

Justice League

justice-league-first-image

I never ended up doing my worst films of 2016, but Batman Vs. Superman: Dawn of Justice was right up there.  Po-faced, utterly boring, overlong, lacking in emotional investment and with a guff final act, it was everything superhero movies shouldn’t be.  The Justice League trailer gave some sense that it’ll at least be slightly funnier, but let’s be honest, it’ll be all the same things I mentioned about BvS: DoJ because Zak Snyder is not a good director.

 Fifty Shades Darker

I watched the first one and it was genuinely unpleasant.  Honestly, how can anyone think that Christian Grey character is appealing?  He’s an emotional (and physical) bully and his relationship with Ana Steele was about as sexy two dead cats being pushed through a letterbox (sorry about that image).  The less said about the direlogue (not a misspelling) the better.  Fifty Shades Darker will be more of the same, but obviously ‘darker’ and more rubbish.

The Great Wall

Matt Damon stars as a white person saving lots of Asian people on the Great Wall of China in medieval times. It’s not quite The Last Samurai 2 though, as this film also involves lots of CGI monsters.  Great.

Kong: Skull Island

Another film shoehorned into a bloody Cinematic Universe (no one cares, studios), Kong: Skull Island sees the artist formerly known as HiddleSwift, Brie Larsen and John Goodman (good cast) rock up on the eponymous island in the 1970’s, only to discover it’s home to King Kong and some other monsters.  The CGI of Kong or the monsters doesn’t, to be honest, look that impressive in the trailers and, although the post-Vietnam setting is interesting, it’s doubtful whether they’ll be able to do much new with a Kong film.

Friday the 13th

With an expected release date of Tuesday 9th October*, Friday the 13th and Jason Voorhees shamble into view. According to Wiki, this appears to have been on the slate for 6 years, so comes with all the low expectations that dog ‘development hell’ films.

 

*made that up for a cheap joke.

Andy

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